Procurement, Burnout & My anxiety episode

The circumstances

A new exciting job, change of business, a house move and a complete relocation within the UK. This should have been one of the most exciting times in my life.

In my head though, it fast spiralled into a living nightmare as I experienced Generalised Anxiety Disorder for the first time in my life.

The key contributory factors were:

• A prolonged house sale meant I had to work away from home for many months. The stress of moving house, long tiring commutes and being away from my support network was more difficult than I could ever have imagined.

• The new job was tough (all new jobs are) but a situation in the team environment was particularly challenging - not everybody made me feel welcome.

• The pressure and responsibility I felt for my children who were having to change schools and start new friendship groups.

Normally I could cope with one or two of these factors, but it’s the typical scenario of the glass overflowing. There were just too many things to deal with.

How did I feel?

I didn’t even notice when normal everyday stress turned into a far more scary and destructive force. It crept up on me little by little, and all at the same time. Once I was there though, I felt completely trapped. There was;

• A feeling of impending doom. In my mind it was like I was hurtling towards oblivion. I was so sure that everything would implode, the only questions in my mind were when, and how long could I ‘get away with it’?

• Desperate loneliness, sadness and isolation. I was completely trapped in my own head. I felt nobody would understand and that if I had to tell anyone, that was the moment I’d failed and my life would crumble.

• Guilt that what should have been a really happy and exciting time for me and my family, was one I just could not enjoy. I felt I was letting them down.

How I mistakenly attempted to cope

I leaned on the mechanisms that I thought had worked for me during times of pressure in my earlier life:

• Working longer hours. This meant I sacrificed my hobbies, sleep and exercise and replaced those hours with ‘doing more work’. I thought I could work my way out of the crisis.

• Cigarettes and alcohol; not in particular excess but I reverted to older unhealthy habits for the temporary stress relief they offered me.

How did I know I was seriously unwell?

I’ve already said it was difficult to pinpoint when normal everyday stress became something more crippling and dangerous but there were three critical points when I just knew I was seriously unwell,

• A meeting with senior stakeholders where there were just two slides I had to present. When it was my turn to speak, I completely froze. I somehow managed to talk through the slides and maybe nobody noticed but for me it felt like 5 minutes of torture. I normally love presenting.

• I felt completely unable to complete even the simplest of tasks. For example, I put off calling HMRC re. a simple tax return for months on end. Every task just added to my mountain of worries.

• Sitting watching my then 8 year old daughter perform in the Xmas play and not being present at all. I spent the whole performance worrying so much about work things that I barely noticed what should have been precious family moments. Life and happy feelings just passed me by.

What would it have looked like to others?

I doubt anyone really noticed. As a protective mechanism (to prevent being ‘found out’) I layered on an additional show of self-confidence, tinged with arrogance and fake smiles.

However, a closer look and there were some subtle clues things were not right

• The e-mails sent at unusual hours of the day and long extended work hours.

• Procrastination on even the smallest tasks or decisions.

• Forgetfulness and clumsiness (often leaving my wallet somewhere, misplacing my keys and once pranging my car in my own driveway).

• A complete loss of interest in any of my primary passions (e.g. running, reading, music, football).

What really worked?

Talking to someone.

It was that simple. I took a chance conversation with a lady in the HR team who just understood something was wrong.

I felt huge relief from this point forwards. I was not a failure, I was genuinely unwell and there were ways I could get better. It was like receiving a diagnosis and promise of a cure. I knew I had turned the corner from that point. So I repeat…..TALKING TO SOMEONE.

I’m not going to use this article to detail all the practical measures I then took to get better. There are so many good options that are tailored to different people and circumstances. I will though just mention a few key points that worked well for me:

1.    I read this very clear and easy to digest book:

2.    I saw a doctor to assess my options and decided upon six sessions of counselling.

3.    Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) became a game changer for me, and is something that has stayed with me as a powerful tool to this day.

4.    I rediscovered my passion for running. Exercise is another game changer, just like talking to someone is.

How the experience makes me a better leader.

When I was 25 years old, I had terrible toothache, the type of pain that keeps you awake all night. I had to take three days off work as I just could not function. Up until that point I would have had no empathy for anyone who takes time off work for toothache. But now…if someone tells me they have toothache I take it seriously. I've developed an understanding and matured as a result.

It's a similar situation with anxiety. Having experienced the disorder, I now have such a better understanding of its impact on others.

I'm also more aware of the signs that things might be getting difficult for people in my team. I very often ask ‘how are you’ and the thing is I really listen to the answer. A person feeling well is the most important thing for me, in business and in life.

My experience has given me perspective and was a timely reminder of the need to seek balance and look out for others.

I no longer see the fact I experienced Generalised Anxiety Disorder as a sign of failure or weakness. I feel stronger having lived through it and feel proud I was able to seek help and get better.

Thank you for reading this. I hope it has helped you or enabled you to look out for warning signs. I'd really welcome your thoughts and comments so this can be shared and may be of help to others.